Stuck in hell

I couldn’t do separate lines for cutting because there are...

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 05:10:30 -0400

I couldn’t do separate lines for cutting because there are far too many for that. My arm is covered and yeah. The yellow is acne scars, stretch marks and shingles scars. The burns are also self harm and yeah. It’s not that bad.

An Anecdote

Tue, 05 Jun 2012 02:22:56 -0400

I’ve been feeling rather reminiscent lately, so I thought I may as well post what I’ve been thinking about. The topic today is: Substance abuse.

Recently I’ve been trying to sort out my addictive personality, I find it very easy to begin taking something and continue doing it over a prolonged period of time.

When I was twelve I started buying panadol capsules. I just brought a pack one day, and had one. Then one turned to two and so it continued until they were all gone. Eventually popping a whole pack of 24 in a day just became habitual for me. It isn’t a hard drug or anything of the sort, and I never saw it as much of a problem, but it came to a point where one of my friends had noticed and she was going through my bag and taking the boxes of panadol I had stashed in there.

I got over the panadol pretty quickly, as it was more of a habit that was keeping me taking it than an actual addiction.

Then I met some people and started on actual drugs. It began with just a small white pill, with a butterfly printed on it. Ecstasy, or the closest you could get to it in 2009. Once a month turned to once a fortnight and once a fortnight turned to once a week, I needed it to get me out of my lows and back into the high, the focused state I was in when it was in my system, the happiness I felt. Then the ‘friends’ I had at the time introduced me to something more.

I became addicted to substances I don’t want to name. How no one noticed I will forever be confused by, I was getting worse every day, I was barely at school and not even passing, losing weight and always at one extreme to the other. I don’t remember my motivator for stopping, but I remember that I did and I helped myself to a few benzos while I was quitting. They made it easier but were an addiction all in themselves. I threw them away, I stopped contact with the world and suffered through the withdrawal of those pills and the withdrawal of the others. It was painful and it hurt, it was pure torture.

Every day, I miss it. I miss the pleasure, the heightened feelings and the electric touches, I miss the focus and the happiness and the sociability I gained. But I know that when I wasn’t on my high I was the worst person, manipulating everyone, irritable, angry and sad. I was a terrible person and I’m not proud of that, but I know it would be so easy to slip into the same pattern again. But I’m fighting. I don’t know why, but I am.

Tatiana Moxey, is absolutely gorgeous.

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 17:01:13 -0400

Dont worry honey. I feel the same. Im much more keen on fighting my other problems rather than my anorexia xx

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 09:02:54 -0400

Ana was the best thing in my life. Then I thought I should recover, but I ended out on a continuous binge and gained plenty :/ I’ve never been able to get back to where I used to be and honestly I hate it, ana is the least damaging thing in my life and the only one that gives me a sense of control.

I need it.

Welcome Apathy.

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 06:42:53 -0400

Six years. That's the average time to recover from an eating disorder, a week or two of proper eating will never get you back on track, and that's why I don't want to get better. I have more important things on my mind, school, work, moving out, fighting my substance abuse problems. Maybe when I don't have any of those things to worry about I will focus on my ED, but for now it's my only escape.

Sun, 03 Jun 2012 04:55:53 -0400

I’m sick of hiding. Hi everyone, I’m Zoe. I’m...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 21:13:02 -0400

I’m sick of hiding.

Hi everyone, I’m Zoe. I’m sixteen years old and I live in Australia.

I have borderline personality disorder with comorbid cyclothymia and anxiety.
I have cut myself in various places and still have scars from it, I have also attempted suicide multiple times and been in hospital for it once.
I have an eating disorder, which I am not currently fighting against.
I go to school and hope to go to university so I can study cancer.
I am bisexual.

If anyone has a problem, please fuck off. Everyone whose opinion matters to me already knows these things, and there isn’t much use in hiding from the world.

Have a good day, fellow followers ♥

I'm going to wear an oversize blazer and roll up the sleeves a little, and if anyone stares, you know what? I'm going to ask them if they have a problem, because what I've done is a part of me and it won't change. No one is in a position to judge what I've done.

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 20:31:14 -0400

Watching Supersize vs. Superskinny

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 19:39:10 -0400

wow.

The obese people are kind of making me want to throw up, I can’t believe they eat so much in a day.

new rules: No purging Never over 500 calories Always eat the minimal amount Unless fasting, have...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 07:18:19 -0400

new rules:

No purging
Never over 500 calories
Always eat the minimal amount
Unless fasting, have something small for breakfast (cucumber slices, etc.)
Only drink Green tea, unsweetened black coffee, coke zero and water
Fast for a minimum of 48 hours every week
Do a minimum of 30 squats, 50 crunches, 30 Russian twists, 30 burpees and 20 lunges every night.
Providing it isn’t too cold, walk home

FUCK RECOVERY.

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 07:10:04 -0400

I miss you so much.So fucking much it hurts, and even though you and I know that I made the right...

Sat, 02 Jun 2012 01:27:53 -0400

I miss you so much.
So fucking much it hurts, and even though you and I know that I made the right choice its so fucking hard.

I miss you, your hugs, the way you could calm me down when I was frustrated, how you knew exactly what to do when I was upset.

I miss our talks, how you would listen, and actually contribute -
I miss listening to you and hearing what you had done. I miss the times when we didn’t even need to talk, when it was just nice being near you and making you happy, seeing that smile.

I miss our fights too, even though it’s something that I hated, it made it feel so much more real. That I actually had you, that you cared about me and what I did.

I hate that I let go of that, I hate that i don’t see you anymore, I hate that I didn’t have a choice.

Sometimes I need you, and it’s funny because I look for you, I even get half way through putting your old number into the phone sometimes.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes too, choices and decisions I wish I hadn’t and others that I wish I could do again.

I just want to hold your hand, I want you to support me, and help me smile like you used to, I want your truthfulness and I want to take on your problems too, I want to help you.

It’s been a while, a long while since I’ve seen you, I should be over you, I shouldn’t be even thinking about any of this.
And believe me, I’ve tried to distract myself, I’ve tried so fucking hard, and I can’t. You’re the one person I’ll never be able to get over, no matter how strongly I feel for anyone else.

I want that feeling back, I just want to see your smile.
I want to take a photo of it, I want to keep your happiness.

And I’m totally immature and I don’t know much about life or relationships or anything in general, I would like to say I did, I would like to say that you taught me a lot. But in the end there is only so much one person can teach you.

The uniqueness of our relationship, the difference that we had in ours, the acceptance and rules of the games we played, it was perfect.

Mistakes were made and wrongdoings were righted.
So thank you. Those two and a half years had been a great roller coaster, and you stuck by me through all of it, I never would’ve dreamed anyone would, and thank you for being that person.

Perhaps I posted this because I have some delusion that maybe you’ll find it, and somehow know it’s about you. Because I do miss you, and every fiber of my being wants to speak to you again, even if it is just to make peace.

If anyone knows anyone, please...

Tue, 29 May 2012 18:09:46 -0400

Please send me their number, I need a hit - of pretty much anything, and I have no suppliers at the moment, so if anyone knows anyone living in victoria who can get me some, please send me their number. I know it isn’t safe but I need something..

Photo

Mon, 28 May 2012 10:50:38 -0400

I want to kiss you so much, when I look into your eyes I want to hug you, hold you tight and make sure you know that I'm never going anywhere and you'll never be alone. I want to listen to everything you keep inside, wipe your tears away when you cry and give you a kiss on the forehead every night. I want to treat you to dinners and breakfasts in bed, I want to hold your hand and take you to places you've always wanted to go to. But most of all, I hope that when you meet my gaze, it doesn't convey any of those feelings and all you see is the friendship I hold so dearly, because I know if anything were to happen, I would eventually lose you, and I will never want that.

Mon, 28 May 2012 10:47:00 -0400

I talked to the school Councillor about moving out today.

Mon, 28 May 2012 07:24:55 -0400

She agreed with me, she wants to help me find a way.

She mentioned several possibilities, one of them being moving in with my best friend. She said there was a payment her dad would get, roughly $400 per week to feed and clothe me, but I never mentioned it to my best friend.

It’s not that I don’t want to, trust me I do. We would be like sisters and it would be great and I think having someone so supportive would help me to recover faster, it’s just I don’t want to ruin her home life. She has a good one and it’s nice and I don’t fit in there. I didn’t mention it either because I was afraid she would feel pressured. I really have to destroy some of this anxiety.

Point is, I have people on my side, who can help. It feels nice.

I think I'm addicted to inhalants

Mon, 28 May 2012 07:13:48 -0400

…I need them to sleep now. If I don’t have them, I can’t sleep.

Photo

Sun, 27 May 2012 17:51:00 -0400

Photo

Sun, 27 May 2012 07:26:18 -0400

I was stuck

Sun, 27 May 2012 07:24:51 -0400

Between the decision of starving again or starting again. Learning to eat properly, losing weight how you’re meant to. I made my choice.

I’m starving.

I’ve let myself go recently, it’s absolutely disgusting. I will not lose my control, it’s being taken from me, but I will keep it. I will control my food. I will stay under 500 a day. I will be thin and I will be perfect.