Ana was the best thing in my life. Then I thought I should recover, but I ended out on a continuous binge and gained plenty :/ I’ve never been able to get back to where I used to be and honestly I hate it, ana is the least damaging thing in my life and the only one that gives me a sense of control.
I need it.
The obese people are kind of making me want to throw up, I can’t believe they eat so much in a day.
- No purging
- Never over 500 calories
- Always eat the minimal amount
- Unless fasting, have something small for breakfast (cucumber slices, etc.)
- Only drink Green tea, unsweetened black coffee, coke zero and water
- Fast for a minimum of 48 hours every week
- Do a minimum of 30 squats, 50 crunches, 30 Russian twists, 30 burpees and 20 lunges every night.
- Providing it isn’t too cold, walk home
I miss you so much.
So fucking much it hurts, and even though you and I know that I made the right choice its so fucking hard.
I miss you, your hugs, the way you could calm me down when I was frustrated, how you knew exactly what to do when I was upset.
I miss our talks, how you would listen, and actually contribute -
I miss listening to you and hearing what you had done. I miss the times when we didn’t even need to talk, when it was just nice being near you and making you happy, seeing that smile.
I miss our fights too, even though it’s something that I hated, it made it feel so much more real. That I actually had you, that you cared about me and what I did.
I hate that I let go of that, I hate that i don’t see you anymore, I hate that I didn’t have a choice.
Sometimes I need you, and it’s funny because I look for you, I even get half way through putting your old number into the phone sometimes.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes too, choices and decisions I wish I hadn’t and others that I wish I could do again.
I just want to hold your hand, I want you to support me, and help me smile like you used to, I want your truthfulness and I want to take on your problems too, I want to help you.
It’s been a while, a long while since I’ve seen you, I should be over you, I shouldn’t be even thinking about any of this.
And believe me, I’ve tried to distract myself, I’ve tried so fucking hard, and I can’t. You’re the one person I’ll never be able to get over, no matter how strongly I feel for anyone else.
I want that feeling back, I just want to see your smile.
I want to take a photo of it, I want to keep your happiness.
And I’m totally immature and I don’t know much about life or relationships or anything in general, I would like to say I did, I would like to say that you taught me a lot. But in the end there is only so much one person can teach you.
The uniqueness of our relationship, the difference that we had in ours, the acceptance and rules of the games we played, it was perfect.
Mistakes were made and wrongdoings were righted.
So thank you. Those two and a half years had been a great roller coaster, and you stuck by me through all of it, I never would’ve dreamed anyone would, and thank you for being that person.
Perhaps I posted this because I have some delusion that maybe you’ll find it, and somehow know it’s about you. Because I do miss you, and every fiber of my being wants to speak to you again, even if it is just to make peace.
Please send me their number, I need a hit - of pretty much anything, and I have no suppliers at the moment, so if anyone knows anyone living in victoria who can get me some, please send me their number. I know it isn’t safe but I need something..
She agreed with me, she wants to help me find a way.
She mentioned several possibilities, one of them being moving in with my best friend. She said there was a payment her dad would get, roughly $400 per week to feed and clothe me, but I never mentioned it to my best friend.
It’s not that I don’t want to, trust me I do. We would be like sisters and it would be great and I think having someone so supportive would help me to recover faster, it’s just I don’t want to ruin her home life. She has a good one and it’s nice and I don’t fit in there. I didn’t mention it either because I was afraid she would feel pressured. I really have to destroy some of this anxiety.
Point is, I have people on my side, who can help. It feels nice.
…I need them to sleep now. If I don’t have them, I can’t sleep.
Between the decision of starving again or starting again. Learning to eat properly, losing weight how you’re meant to. I made my choice.
I’ve let myself go recently, it’s absolutely disgusting. I will not lose my control, it’s being taken from me, but I will keep it. I will control my food. I will stay under 500 a day. I will be thin and I will be perfect.